Winter Blues
This has by far been the most difficult winter. Starting to train as a teacher, I get up in the dark, spend the day in school, and then come home in the dark. I feel like daylight starts to fade before it's even started. Moving to a working lifestyle means that days can feel quite empty. You simply wake up, work, come home and count down till you go to bed to start it all again the next day. Personally, I've been finding this quite heavy. I feel sad in the evenings, and sometimes catch myself asking questions like 'what is the point of life'? If this is it, then what is the point. My joy has started to fade away. As a Christian, this is hard to face. I feel guilty. I know the scriptural truths, that my joy is unfading because of salvation found in Christ, but in my head I feel like this should come with a heavy serving of earthly happiness. I find myself in conflict with the voice in my head, telling myself that as a Christian I should always feel content, then feeling both guilty and miserable that I don't feel content in my circumstances. We're very lonely in Cambridge. I hadn't realised that much of my previous contentment came from earthly things, rather than from the Lord himself. My prayer currently is that I would be content in my isolation. That it would be more than enough to be completely alone, knowing that my Saviour died for me and contends for me still, and that a better life is to come in the New Creation.
But progress on this is slow. God is truly pruning me to stop idolising earthly comfort. Things have been stripped away, mainly friends and a sense of community. I need to learn to be content in salvation alone, in grace alone, and not in the people that I can surround myself with. A hard lesson to learn indeed. Alex and I haven't found close friends in Cambridge yet. And friends from university are often too busy to pick up the phone. I turned 22 two weeks ago, and the number of people who remembered was slim. Even some of my closest friends had forgotten in the busyness of their own lives. Gradually, I can feel a hardness building up within me, a reluctance to open up to other people and share; a defense mechanism as I feel hurt by others. Praise God for the blessing of my dear husband, who is so deeply loving towards me. As I feel the distance growing between me and my old self, I can see a deep and glorious connection growing between Alex and I as husband and wife. He is a blessing and a gift from the Lord. I know that when the Lord ordains it, I will find friends here who feel close. And I know that the girls who stood next to me as my bridesmaids will always be there, even when busyness clouds our time for one another. I thank God for them, but also long for them to be here with me in Cambridge. The difference in student friendships and adult friendships is definitely something to be explored and discussed another time.
I feel very un-shiny as a Christian at the moment. For God to reveal our sin and idolatry to us, we need to truly see the ugliness of our hearts, and I feel like I see my sin more clearly every day, particularly my discontentment. I'm praying for the Lord to replace the discontentment in my heart with a warm contentment in the Lord Jesus Christ alone. I long for the day when I can look back and reflect on the lessons learned, the refining done to my soul, but we're not quite at that day yet. We're doing the hard yards now.
But progress on this is slow. God is truly pruning me to stop idolising earthly comfort. Things have been stripped away, mainly friends and a sense of community. I need to learn to be content in salvation alone, in grace alone, and not in the people that I can surround myself with. A hard lesson to learn indeed. Alex and I haven't found close friends in Cambridge yet. And friends from university are often too busy to pick up the phone. I turned 22 two weeks ago, and the number of people who remembered was slim. Even some of my closest friends had forgotten in the busyness of their own lives. Gradually, I can feel a hardness building up within me, a reluctance to open up to other people and share; a defense mechanism as I feel hurt by others. Praise God for the blessing of my dear husband, who is so deeply loving towards me. As I feel the distance growing between me and my old self, I can see a deep and glorious connection growing between Alex and I as husband and wife. He is a blessing and a gift from the Lord. I know that when the Lord ordains it, I will find friends here who feel close. And I know that the girls who stood next to me as my bridesmaids will always be there, even when busyness clouds our time for one another. I thank God for them, but also long for them to be here with me in Cambridge. The difference in student friendships and adult friendships is definitely something to be explored and discussed another time.
I feel very un-shiny as a Christian at the moment. For God to reveal our sin and idolatry to us, we need to truly see the ugliness of our hearts, and I feel like I see my sin more clearly every day, particularly my discontentment. I'm praying for the Lord to replace the discontentment in my heart with a warm contentment in the Lord Jesus Christ alone. I long for the day when I can look back and reflect on the lessons learned, the refining done to my soul, but we're not quite at that day yet. We're doing the hard yards now.
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